DEAD SUPERPOWER

Tuesday, December 02, 2003

PARIS, OH SWEET PARIS

Like the rest of America, I’ve found myself increasingly consumed with Paris Hilton, the 22 year old debutante heir to the incredible Hilton fortune.

Since her seedy sex tape was unveiled weeks ago, her name and image has exploded into a veritable cornucopia of publicity, driving both the media and the male population into frenzy.

I’ve even gone so far as to scour the internet for whatever dirty portrait I could find, exposing her assets as it were. What I was given was the usual porno-for-dollars variety with a few embarrassingly over obsessive websites. Apparently, there is a whole crowd of zealous Paris-watchers out there, taking any opportunity to flamboyantly flaunt the scantily-clad lass.

What I’ve learned is that Paris is quite possibly the first young woman to make a successful career out of merely existing. Not many people can simply show up at parties and be offered a clothing line deal. Let alone can a normal girl in her early twenties ever hope to date Leonardo DiCaprio, Edward Furlong, Oscar De La Hoya, or Jared Leto and simply toss them away like a half eaten bag of candy.

However, it’s hard to blame her or even be angry. She was born into sheer, unadulterated luxury, growing up in a New York hotel room and getting her first credit card at age 13.

But that doesn’t stop the philosophizing or her sincere love for the world.

"No matter what a woman looks like, if she's confident, she's sexy. It doesn't matter what size you are, what color, whatever, what color hair you have, eyes, like if you have confidence, and you're a nice person and sweet, and you're funny, I think that's sexy."

Obviously, she has no idea what she’s saying.

She joins Nicole Ritchie on a reality television show called “The Simple Life” debuting on FOX on Dec. 2. The concept of the show is to take these two fashionistas and drop them into a rural farm and see how they cope. Laughter is guaranteed, but with $550 million waiting in the wings, one can only laugh so hard, knowing that when the show gets over, they can go back to $1000 bottles of champagne and weekends in the French Riviera.

Oh, I’m sorry, that’s so last year.