THE DEATH OF DIMEBAG DARRELL AND OTHER SLIGHTLY NEWSWORTHY MATERIAL

Dimebag Darrell dead dropped by 5 shots damned Damageplan.

Bela Lugosi’s Dead. Bad remixes piss me off. Voddy/Grape/Fruit Punch. Check you out. Shot of voddy.

Buddy’s wedding the other day. Been drinkin’ ever since.

The booze has set in. Forties and the like spawn new ideas of madness, unconscious gila monsters traveling the dark side of the moon. Evil, corrupt, and sad.

The time for civil war is sooner or later.—Lars Frederickson

Sachs and Violens. So sweet sour super sophomoric starfish.

The proletariat should never buy Billabong. The words of a wise man, who, at present, is cutting his chest.

Watching Teenage Catgirls in Heat from Troma

Aelita Queen of Mars, a Lenin-era Communist Film

Dr. Who – The Key to Time Series

Bela Lugosi Meets the Brooklyn Gorilla, a DVD I bought for a buck.

Listening to Terror, an Industrial Music Compilation and the Fugs, a 1965 band of atrocious behavior and wit.

Reading The Short Happy Life of Brown Oxford by by Philip K. Dick

Akira vol 1-3

And the Citizens Rule Book.

Drinking Goose Island, Maritinis, Egg Nog with Brandy.

Smoking Peter Stokkebye Premium Amsterdam Shag. Tis da bomb.

Tsunami Surpirise. Hey I got an idea, let’s spend the holiday in Thailand.

Feel bad.

57K dead. 11 countries devastated. Myanmar, Malaysia, Thailand, Bangladesh, Sri Lanka, Indonesia, Kenya, Somalia, Yemen, and others. 9.0 quake, 30 ft waves, whole islands moved 96 ft, disease, dead bodies, flooding, no food, no water, no gas.

And the U.S. is being cheap coz we only donated the most money, sending our navy and reconnaissance planes, and aiding with all our organizational response. All love the Red Cross. Y’know we should just march over, all of us, and give ‘em all a can of Campbell’s soup. But that’s not good enough. Man. I feel bad, but our gov’t does what it can.

There’s a war on.

And if someone wants a donation, I’ll give ‘em a dollar. Hell, that’s all I got!

Give me some aid. America’s not rich, goddamnit, our corporations are.

Selfish selfish shellfish.

Shellfish.

On our faces.

Feel bad.

Have some more import beer.

LOGAN 5
(As played to Flight of the Valkyries)

My name is Logan 5. I am the Sandman that is going to kill you. You can run, you can hide, but the future will always catch up with you.

Semper Fi.

Its 2026. You watch with your beer belly holding you as the battle lines are drawn. The US preemptively strikes.

We send Stryker Brigade after Stryker Brigade. We battle the rightist forces of Jack Van Impe to a standstill. Air sorties, tank divisions, and naval bombardments win the day. But just when you think we’ve reached our credit limit, the Capital One card saves the day again. Goodbye evil interest rates. Goodbye unsightly fees.

And just a small reminder, please stop in on Sunday Sunday Sunday and watch the demo derby. Be sure to bring the kids coz its Redneck Hat Day. Put it all on your no hassle frequent flyer extra special rewards points Visa.

And across the many nations of the world, earthquakes dot the landscape such as man has never seen.

The People’s Army of China mobilizes against the Irish Republican Army. Her Majesty’s fleet moves against the Catholic Church. And kamakazi warplanes, captured by Alien Elvis Impersonators in 1945, land in an airfield in Berlin.

Wars. Trials. And Jerusalem falls again. This time to Quebec Special Forces. Ukrainian Buddhists build a temple to Richard Geere and Rupert Murdock proclaims himself Emperor of the Anglo-Ausi-American Union.

What’s a lowly Sandman to do? The over-thirty crowd has run amok across planet Earth. We’re gonna need a bigger carousel.

If you ask me, what we need is more teen sex and underage drug use. Just give ‘em condoms and clean needles. The pills aren’t working. Little Billy just shot up the classroom again.

Read the bible. It’s in there in Stephanie 3:16. Beware the sons of Muhammed, the one’s who will not drink. But if thou ist a true believer, thou must poison thy livers. Miller, Michelob, Budweiser, and Pabst Blue Ribbon, allahdamnit.

And with that, the attention returns to the homeland.

The Shatner virus has infected 39 of the 62 states of the US. But no one’s talking about it. President P.Diddy has cut funding to the military and diverted funds to the education of all children on the planet. The world is saved, thanks to Hip Hop.

And just when world peace is declared and the doves are released, Chicago decides to blow up. Someone forgot to unplug their iron, which was hooked to a thermal-nuclear warhead they bought at Wal-Mart.

President P.Diddy launches war on laundry. Everyone dresses in fine furs and gold jewelry. Amerika goes bankrupt after 16 days.

But in a smooth media spin, Martha Stewart is put on trial for the creation of the Shatner Virus and President P. Diddy is not impeached, yet again.

But then, in a moment of elaborate deception, I captured the Alien Elvis Impersonator’s ship and traveled back in time to train an army of chimp warriors. And now, in the time it's taken to speak to you, my army of damned dirty apes has marched across all of the world. And I, Logan 5 and now the master of this planet, you used to call Earth.

Welcome to paradise, oh so boring paradise.

HEIDI KLUM. YUM.

Watching the India Company’s Battle of Fellujah.

Listening to Floyd’s Final Cut, Green Day’s Kerplunk, Metallica’s Kill ‘Em All, and Stanford Prison Experiment.

Reading In the Shadow of No Towers by Art Spiegelman.

54 Dead in Fellujah.

Carbone’s Pizza. Got Turkey Cacciotore.

Vive le Bam at the Mall of America.

RC Cola. Ditchweed. Zig Zag Tobacco. Got a miniature rose in a glass tube from my girlfriend. Bacardi. Coors Light. Another bongload. Staring at this X-Statix cover too long. Caramels. Communist Manifesto. Roll up another ciggie. Previewing Lemony Snickett’s A Series of Unfortunate Events.

Netherlands legalizes euthanasia. Vikings lost against the Bears at Soldier Field. 24-14. Haven’t won there since 2000. Someone’s making me watch Tim McGraw. That 70’s Show.

Pitfall. Stargate. Adult Swim. Olives. Sealab 2021. AquaTeen Hunger Force. Action Figures: Flash. Anakin. The weird dude who helped Lando blow up the Death Star. Buddha. Bandit. (vs) The Giant Amerikan Skeleton Tek-Roach Clip w/ M-16 and human controller. The Flash will reverse time and drink the Seagram’s 7. But not if I stop him first. We must take the shots. Piss on the Datsuns. Reading The Mathematics of Gambling by Dr. Edward O. Thorp. Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law. Jack Van Impe. China/Iran. Russia. US/UK. Hypersonic Missile to reach anywhere in the world in 2 Hrs. Low-yield nuclear weapons. www.jvim.com. Chocolate Factory. My ear is plugged up. My good ear.

Advair.

Modern English stop the world for Ritz.

Heidi Klum.

Yum.