LOOKIN’ FORWARD TO IT

I woke up today and had to take the biggest leak of my life.

It was at that time, when I was staring down into the center of the toilet water watching the splickety-splash of the urine impacting the surface that I realized that although it was not altogether pleasant, the one thing I could deal with when facing old age would be a bladder control problem.

With heart disease, cancer, slip discs, knee surgery, varicose veins, and more cancer, wearing a diaper doesn’t seem so bad.

Actually, I kind of miss just letting go when I feel like. I mean, why concern myself with actually going to the bathroom every few hours. Why not just piss and shit myself where I’m standing and change my diaper a few times a day.

That sounds like a timesaver to me.

Hell, I’m lookin’ forward to it.

DEFENDERS OF WILDLIFE SPEAK OUT AGAINST NAVY

On July 13, Defenders of Wildlife conservation group joined farmers and local officials from North Carolina at an event in Washington, D.C. to call on the U.S. Navy to re-examine five alternative sites in which it might build an outlying landing field (OLF) in North Carolina to support Super Hornet jet training, according to a press release.

Since September 2003, the Navy has been trying to construct an OLF in Washington County, where it would sit 3.5 miles from Pocosin Lakes National Wildlife Refuge, the winter home of more than 100,000 swans, geese, and other large waterfowl. 31,650 take-offs and landings are estimated each year, that's roughly one every 15 minutes.

In February, U.S. District Court Judge Terrence Boyle issued a permanent injunction against building the landing field, citing the potential harm to wildlife. In May, the 4th Circuit refused to lift the injunction, and the Navy has appealed to the Court of Appeals.

FAREWELL KIND SOLDIERS, THE DAY IS WON

Now that X-Statix is done, I can feel a wrenching hole becoming vacant again in my mind—A gap that Peter Milligan and Michael Allred’s genius did a wonderful job of filling.

Between brilliant artwork by Allreds and the up-to-date storylines Milligan, the series started at the end of X-Force was the most brilliant expose of modern culture yet laid down in the annals of graphic storytelling.

Where else could one investigate Elian Gonzales, pop icons, gay rights, the death of Princess Diana, the Iraq War, superhero politics, class struggles, American excess, and violent brutality in the same piece.

Though it was a long run, it was far too short. I’ll never have enough of The Orphan, Venus de Milo, The Anarchist, Dead Girl, or Doop. But so things go so does X-Statix.

What makes, this series work is the fact that every hero or character introduced since the first issue is dead and gone. And the final, vicious issue holds with the tradition, every last hero is laid to waste in a vile execution style killing. Most likely, Milligan and Allred’s attempt at closure.

But I have one problem. What ever happened to issue #2 of Wolverine/Doop. I’ve traveled to every comic shop from the Twin Cities, MN to Portland, OR to Panama City, FL in search of that issue and have never been able to find it.

Where is my comic book, Mr. Milligan. Where is it Mr. Allred. You owe me.

THE NEW JEFFERSON

Like so many other things the United States government does, the latest installment of the new nickel series is one of the largest wastes of time and taxpayer money I have been privy to in my short existence in Amerika.

The fact that this is the third in a series of newly minted coins worth a mere 5 American cents gives little hope for the future of our fair country. If this is what our leaders are spending even one iota of time doing, the generations to come should be ashamed, saddened, and downright confused.

I do have to give it to the designers; they’re unbelievable portrait of Jefferson on the front lays a more mysterious persona in front of the American people. Stating “Liberty,” this Jefferson is no more a moderate than Newt Gingrich ever was; it’s a representation befitting the man who stated that a good democracy has a revolution every ten years. If that was the case, where’s my fucking revolution.

On the back of this 5-cent monstrosity lies another homage to times past. A nearly identical replica of the buffalo that adorned those old Indian-head nickels of days past. Finally, after decades of denial, America is beginning again to acknowledge its native heritage (the atrocious Sacagawea gold dollar a vague exception).

As my girlfriend puts it, “I think it’s stupid.”

WAXING THE REVOLUTION

Went to a show in one of the last free venues in Minneapolis—my buddy’s house. The party supported well into the hundreds and we tapped quite a few kegs.

The party was in response to the state government shutdown of the Minnesota Care program. Many of the state’s young uninsured women get their feminine medical issues addressed through this and other shutdown programs. Donations were taken to aid the punished proletariat.

Performers included Grickle Grass and Apocalypse Meow. A couple other bands played but I never caught their names in between the Jack Daniel’s shots and keg stands. I spent most of the night upstairs with some of my more political friends burning DVD’s and waxing philosophically about the shutdown, the new Supreme Court decision on downloading, and the revolution in general.

The Pigs only did one drive by, but that was enough to put us all on edge, after all we were merely adults trying to have a good time in the post-millennial lockdown. Hello, Big Brother. Goodbye.

STATEMENTS ON LOVE TOLD FROM A DEVASTATED PERSONALITY IN THE MIDST OF ITS GRASP

Love. Many many many many many many many many bits have been written about love. What more can I say except to explain my thoughts?

Love, while sometimes trivial and often fleeting, offers sensuality and emotional stability the likes of which you never experience otherwise.

To touch another, closely and feel their body heat and chi is unparalleled, her friction gives warmth and passion—

A fiery fury so wild, only a reject would deny his lust.

Sweet tenderness sweeps across you from her hands, gentle yet strong.

Big Hands McGee and Long Tongue Larry—Dean Cain’s best friends in on the Vegas strip. Don’t believe me? Try the green wafers.

Doesn’t really explain shit, does it?

San Dimas High School Football Rules!!!!!!!!!!

A LEYMAN’S DREAMING OF A NEW SCIENCE

Drinking Kingston rum, plum wine, and some sake. Eating chow mein. A bit of the workers’ relief.

As fireworks go off in the background on the streets of my city, I’m drawn to the dreams of one Nikola Tesla.

And I know that somewhere across the world, nameless scientists are working diligently on the methods and interpretations of the brilliant inventor Nikola Tesla.

In the late 1880’s, Tesla invented alternating current, crushing the DC power industry with the AC system. He put the AC in AC/DC.

Amongst his wide array of inventions, none are more fascinating than the idea of broadcast power. Through multiple patents, Tesla theorized of a system of energy transmission using no wires or meters. Would reduce or eliminate electromagnetic radiations.

On of his earliest concepts involved the ionization of atmospheric gases to create a conductive path which allowed the transmission of electrical currents based on the ELF frequency from a transmitter to a receiver. Whether through earth or water, the system remained similar in concept. An aerial collector was attached to a ground plate which collected a free modest electrical output able to provide illumination or communication wherever you are.

What does this mean the human being? Mostly it means a free form of necessary electricity. We’re not talking about mass conductive forces with the ability to fly an airplane or anything (although that is quite possible). We’re talking about the most individualistic form of electricity. For cell phones. Watches. No more batteries. No more waste.

Everyone knows the simple law of the universe. No energy can be created or destroyed. Ever. Just like matter. So we transform potential oil energy into active energy and then it logically becomes a new energy form, but how to harness it is the real trick.

How will this technology truly help the proletariat? By giving us free access to the power of free personal electricity, one is removed of all the burdens of commercialism and class struggle. One merely purchases a cell phone and plugs into the worldwide satellite configuration.

The phone is equipped with no battery, just an energy collector. The powers-that-be would have no control over you with nickel and dime bills.

Now I may not be a very technical guy, but I gather that folks like Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison are not just things of the past, they are here today. The most fundamental of an example can be found at Future Horizons, they offer plans to build many free energy machines. What we need today is a way to gather and harness the potential energy that exists all around us—and unfathomable scientists to make it happen.

Somewhere out there, men and women are working for the future of mankind. Somewhere in a basement. Somewhere dirty, and unsupervised. Somewhere revolutionary.

WHEN THE MYNOCKS ATTACK

Where will you be when the Mynocks attack?

Forever changing to your ancient ways.

The chimp sat atop the high tower, finally after years of trial and error, he did it. He reached the top. From here you could see the riverbeds. There he saw a man—

The pizza delivery driver was in the ditch trying to decipher the coupon he was just given, when a giant spaceship flew overhead—

Just then, mere miles away, a prominent U.S. General took a shot of Jameson’s and ordered the launch of nuclear missiles.