LOBO'S XMAS SPECIAL
It was a cold day in January, when Lobo rolled into Minneapolis. He was on the trail of Hitmar Ateef Nachakarosa, a terrorist from the planet Geechitahh.
His bike rolled down Lake St., its engine rattling badass stylie. The oblivious passerby paid no attention to the lack of wheels.
He flexed his muscles to the girls flashin' their titties.
It was a gangsta's paradise the like's of which Lobo hadn't seen in a few celestial weeks.
He'd have to remember this place.
2
It was late. This lady showed up at the door, strung out on some anti-depressant and crack.
-Do you have my loveseat cushions?
-What? (The enemy looked her square in the eye.)
-My loveseat cushions?
-No, they must be somewhere else.
3
New Orleans faced off against Atlanta. It wasn't even a fair match. Those poor homeless Saints. Now they're talkin' of a move to San Antonio, making one more victim of Katrina, the Saints Fan.
Speaking of poor bastards, Tookie Williams was executed. Forgive me if I believe in reform, but he should be freed let alone receive clemency. I guess the Nobel Prize isn't what it used to be. Sweet Arnold the Governator has been the final judge on the life of a questionable man. To be or not to be. And the Governor has chosen TO BE the Terminator. May Schwarzenegger burn in the next election.
Lobo cracks a grin.
LibertyDollar.org bent on the collapse of the Federal Reserve System. Got a one ounce silver coin today. Paid $9.16 to some college kid who jacked it from his parents.
4
Lobo visits Bryant Lake Bowl, beats the crap out of a bartender and drinks a couple kegs of Guinness.
Doesn't look like his prey is here, so he eyes a couple Muslim girls in the corner and flexes. They flee in unbelievable ecstasy.
He takes another shot.
5
The enemy, Hitmar Ateef Nachakarosa, is reading bout the US Military's use of white phosphorus on Iraqis in Fallujah, watching an analysis of the Battle of Ramadi on April 6, 2004.
Hitmar had a WMD and Lobo knew it. It was the one Bush thought was in Iraq.
He listens to the Flaming Lips and Rollins Band and the Jesus & Mary Chain and Prince & The Revolution and Fine Young Cannibals and Chris Isaak and Skid Row and then he changed the channel.
6
Lobo overhears a boring conversation between two Uptown yuppies.
-Make Mine a Disaronno.
-OK.
-That's the ad.
-I know.
-I'm jus' sayin' ya' don' see many liqueurs advertised on the tele. I mean when was the last time you saw a Jaggermeister commercial.
-I don' kno'.
-Except for the Metallica Behind the Music, anyway.
7
The enemy writes his last letter to the government.
Dear Mr. Senator-
Overthrow the Bush. He is evil. He is not intelligent. He has continued this war for far too long, and I'm about to do something about it and no one can stop me.
The enemy learns about Munich, 1972, realizes nothing will change unless pitchforks and torches are brought to the National Mall. The Battle of Georgetown must be fought.
8
What D.B. Cooper spent his money on:
A new alternator for his truck.
A line of T-Shirts saying “I am D.B. Cooper.”
A new fountain pen that writes like a dream.
A webpage.
A party at Stonehenge.
A new parachute.
A luxury wake board.
A book on the history of the potato.
A pet monkey.
An exterminator.
A porno or two.
A very large bag of weed.
A wife from the Ukraine.
A second wife from Laos.
A divorce from his first wife.
A cactus.
A Giant Swastika erected in his hometown in New Jersey.
A face lift.
A new potato peeler.
A presidential run for Dan Quayle.
A home gym.
A sack of russets.
And most importantly, a History Channel documentary on D.B. Cooper.
9
With the Rose Bowl finally comes the conclusion of the holidays. Sure as the Chai Cream and the 15 year old Haitian rum seeps into my liver, the Texas Longhorns bring a finale to the fateful hell that is the era of time between Halloween and the New Years. Another hellish year, 2005, comes to a close and leaves 2006 in its wake. God, I hate this shit.
Lobo, on the other hand, smashes thru my window and I take another shot of Rain Vodka.
That's the moment that I realize that I am the enemy.
My name is Hitmar Ateef Nachakarosa, I'm a terrorist from the planet Geechitahh.
Rocket to Riyadh, available now!
